Faith Yesterday, Now Gone Away

These are words I wrote a couple months ago about faith and fear. Some days it seems I’m so close to God that I can sense Him in everything. And other days are quite the opposite. I live life with people who are going through the worst things a person can go through and I watch them experience the same tension. I get the sense that my community is generally tired with deep, soul-level exhaustion. And sometimes that alone is enough to stretch our faith until it seems it can stretch no more. These words are snap-shot of different tensions I have had recently, or I have seen the people around me feel.  It’s is an expression of many of my own feelings I have from time-to-time, as well as an overflow of the empathy I feel for those around me. We often get the sense that we are alone in feelings of faithlessness…that’s a lie, my friends. I know I’m not the only one, and I hope you know you aren’t either. Fear not, loved one, Jesus stands in the gap for us— including in our faithless moments. 

Yesterday I was full of faith,
but today I have none. 

Yesterday I laughed in the face of anxiety, 
In wonderment at how far I’ve come.

And today my faith is gone,
My steadfastness long forgotten.

Instead of “Get behind me, Satan” 
My heart gasps for breath and begs for mercy. 

Sleep rest can only carry me so far. 
My stomach still hurts when I wake up. 

Being alone. Being together. 
Being happy. Being sad.

Being settled, 
And Never being settled again. 

If I could I would fix it. 
I would make it go away. 

I would make the world much, much smaller. 
Green paper would be just that. 

I am with you, God.
I am with you. 

Are you with me?
Are you going to stay? 

Are you sure we can do this? 
I’m not convinced. 

So here I sit. 
Breathe in, breathe out.

Fearlessness yesterday, 
Now gone away. 

But I’m still here.
And so are You. 

So there’s that I guess. 
Help me not forget. 

15 thoughts on “Faith Yesterday, Now Gone Away

  1. Lovely and bittersweet, as likely everyone who reads feels it is written for them. I have been convicted of not living my faith out loud on a recent family reunion, afraid that my beloved brother will close a door, and forgetting that the Holy Spirit can take my words and make them into what my brother longs to hear. I get another chance while in Portland this weekend for a shower. May the Lord go with me, and with you, my dear Hannah and Joe, reminding us all that He would prefer us to be hot or cold, but never in between. Xox

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    1. Beth, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I am saying a prayer for this weekend as you walk step by step in the love of God–He shines through you without you even trying, my friend. I have experienced that overflow many times. I look forward to hearing about your time! xoxo

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  2. Thinking and praying for you and Joe and all those you come in contact with each – for strength, faith and joy in the midst of all! The love of Jesus shines forth in each smile, touch and word from you.
    Love you!!

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  3. Oh, Hannah, what an honest and heartening reflection! Thank you for sharing in such a humble way! How often I feel the things you write about! It’s an encouragement to know we are all in the struggle together – and with the Lover of our Souls!

    Peace be with you, Sister! Know that you’re both in my prayers.❤️

    Love!

    Lisa

    >

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  4. I still want to refer to you and Joe as kiddos. You are not I know. I am reminded of that when I imagine the pain and heartache you witness every day. It grows you up fast I am sure. Yes, we long for no more pain. We look forward to that time when all will be made whole. And until that time, the Lord draws us closer and more dependent on Him each day. I pray for you both and thank the Lord for the love He has placed in each of you for the hurting. He will do it!

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